He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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