were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
