the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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