oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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