My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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