New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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