Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
