I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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