Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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