he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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