let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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