What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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