she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
