OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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