I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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