My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
