pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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