sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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