East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
So squirting runs in the family.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
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