So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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