i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
