Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
