I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Who died my cat blue again?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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