I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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