We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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