im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
