When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
