I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
