apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
