Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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