Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
