she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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