This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
