we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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