Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize