It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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