Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
