just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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