if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
