Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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