Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
