Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Randomize
