You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
