Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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