Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
