in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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