so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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