In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
It's shark week go big or go home
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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