i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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