I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
