Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
