So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
