How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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