she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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