I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
