Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Is it penis luge time yet?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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