I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
