I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
