Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
