My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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