i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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