I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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