I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Those nachos came to me in a dream
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
