Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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