A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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