So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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