im six kinds of drunk right now
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
